Blue Friday

Guys, I’m feeling blue today.  And so I have to be very honest and venty and maybe some good will come of it.

For one day in my recent memory, I weighed below 150 pounds.  I was violently ill all night long and weighed in the next morning at 149.8 pounds.  Never again have I seen 14_ on the scale.

Now, let me pause to say that I do not put as much stock in the scale as most dieters.  I actively TRIED to gain muscle earlier this year and felt successful even though the scale went up.  I get that.  But there is a certain point where it’s not good weight gain, and it’s not the result of healthy habits.

This morning, the scale weighed me in at 164.8 pounds, putting me in as up fifteen pounds from my lowest weight.  And I flipped.  I have been feeling awful all day.

A little bit of research reveals that my new asthma medication may have weight gain as a side effect, and my heart just sunk.  It’s like a never-ending cycle of suck: I exercise to stay in shape/lose weight.  Exercise triggers my asthma.  I take asthma medications…which cause me to gain weight again.  I just feel hopeless.

But the thing is, I can’t blame medication.  This is my fault.  I cannot work out for an hour a day six days a week like I did when I was actively losing weight this time last year, and I do not want to restrict myself to the 1300 calories/day anymore.  I just don’t think I can without feeling cranky, and weak, and hating my life.

But I don’t know what to do.  I just feel weary.  I don’t want to track calories.  (I stopped earlier this year, in May.)  I’m tired of having to analyze everything that goes into my mouth.  I can’t work out any longer without fainting from hunger and missing my family because I never see them.  I feel like a failure, because I have never figured out how to just eat correctly for my body without relying on computer programs and scales and heart rate monitors.  Left to my own devices, I would balloon back up to 200 pounds again, and I don’t want to.

And so, my confession: I do not know how to make my body lose weight without becoming a miserable, unhealthy crazy lady.  I lost most of my weight eating 1200 calories a day and working myself out until I got a stress fracture.  I don’t know how to lose weight and keep it off in a happy, sustainable way.  I know I am healthy and strong now, which is something I didn’t have before, but that does not stop last year’s jeans from begging for mercy when I try to zip them up.  I know the theory.  I know how BMR works, and deficits.  But what I don’t know is how to put it into practice, for me, in a way that I can keep up.
Part of what I was wailing about to T this morning was, “I’m such a hypocrite.  I blog about fitness and staying in shape and I’m gaining and gaining and I just can’t stop myself.”   I have a wedding dress that will not fit if this continues.  And I want to learn how to make this my lifestyle.

So, readers, I promise you I will not give up on this.  Bear with me.  I’m still in shape, I just need to tame the bad habits that have cropped up lately.  From now on, for accountability’s sake, I am going to weigh in on the blog every Friday.  Just know that I am human, and I’m doing my best.

Anyway, since I was feeling so bad, I did something that never fails to cheer me up and make me feel better: post an Operation Beautiful note (it’s so pretty because I had a few minutes to kill at the end of the workday and I wanted to play with my fun-colored highlighters):

ob 003
I’ve been into quotes lately.  I cannot pick artwork out for the life of me, so I decided to decorate my office with words.  I bought these today:

(Photos courtesy of

They’re purty and I hope they get here soon.  They make me happy.

And then I arrived home to find T had bought me a surprise!

ob 004
I’ve had a hankering for some Scrabble since I’ve seen Leah and her fiance playing it.  I mentioned it to him and he remembered and bought it for me!  So, I know what our fun Friday will include….

Anyway, sorry if this post was a bit of a downer.  We all have bad days and I know I’ll get through this!

10 Responses

  1. Brie – I know you don’t know me from Adam, but I am amazed that you weigh that much. Looking at your pic from the other day in the sports bra you look fantastic! You may be going through a rough patch and I totally feel you on the not wanting to count every morsel that goes into your mouth. That is where I’ve been for a while. It just makes me want to rebel. Just focus on healthy foods and staying active. YOU CAN DO IT!! You’ve inspired me and many others. I hope that will get you through this.

  2. YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SCRABBLE!!!!!!!!!!!!! Hhaaaahaa.. I have thought about making a facebook album just for pictures of our scrabble boards, that’s how pathetic I am!

    I’m like you (sorta) with weight except… I haven’t exercised and I’ve been maintaing, just slightly higher than my low. My low is 153. I’ve been maintaining 158ish give or take 2 lbs. I definetely eat less than when I was working out regularly but I get super cranky when I don’t eat so I just try to eat better things. I bet I average 1800-2200 calories a day. Maybe less somedays. Definitely more some days. Don’t fret about the weight. It’s only been like what, a week? that you’ve had the new meds? Probably just some water retention. Is it that time of the month? Just take a step back, breathe, hydrate, and focus on lots of fruits and veggies for a few days, you’ll drop down a couple no prob.


  3. You’re gorgeous, no matter what the scale says, you’ve accomplished so much. You’ve made amazing life changes that will last a lifetime. You’re going to run a half marathon – that’s incredible! Don’t be disappointed, keep working at it. You will be a stunning bride and you’re beautiful and healthy and lovely every day. Hugs!

  4. First off, you hold your weight reallyreally well. I agree with Anne, you toootally rocked that pic of you in the sports bra the other day. And I also agree with Leah to give the meds some time. Some minor side effects like weight gain will go away after a month or so. Or it could just be immediate water retention. No reason to freak out about the medication yet 🙂

    As for the eating thing, I totally get you. Part of the reason why I’ve reverted back to counting calories for the time being. I’m not one of those people who gained weight from partying too hard in university, I was chubby my whole life because I NEVER knew how to eat for my body. It’s a tough lesson to learn as an adult. I’m trying to revert back to a simpler way of eating. It’s when I try to cook fancy that the calories start creeping up, and more non-whole foods make their way into my pantry… It takes time. Some days we get it right, others we don’t. Some weeks my pants are tight, others they’re pretty loose. I really believe that almost every girl out there struggles with her body in some way. Even the ones who seem like they’ve got in all figured out…

  5. i put this up on operation beautiful today 🙂

    im sorry youre stuggling with your weight loss – all i can say is focus on your other accomplishments, too, like your races and whatnot. chin up!

  6. While I’ve never really struggled with my weight and I can’t 100% relate to your struggle, just know that there are a lot of us out here in cyber space cheering you on and wishing you the best with your journey towards your walk down the aisle.

    Just remember that you don’t want a quick fix for the weight loss as that will never stick. Just concentrate on making good food choices and making time for exercise and the weight will stabilize, I’m sure!

  7. I’m sorry you are feeling this way. I can totally related. Sometimes it’s just so hard and it’s like why am I putting all this effort in with no results. But I guess it’s important to remember that running and eating well are good for you and will ultimately make you a healthier person, even if you’re not achieving what you want in terms of the number on the scale.

    I know that doesn’t help. I’m in the same situation as you and it just is hard sometimes.

  8. I can totally relate also! I don’t really have any advice…I’m still trying to figure all this out too. Just wanted you to know that you’re not alone! And you look fabulous btw 🙂

  9. Brie, I just want you to know I am the same way. I cannot seem to lose weight without working out an hour or more 6 days a week and limiting my calories. When I read this, I breathed a sigh of relief that there is someone else out there who is in the same boat as me. I’m training for a half marathon and I thought with all the running I’m doing, that I’d lose weight. I don’t believe the scale has budged at all and I feel (and think) that I’m eating well and nutritious…I try not to get discouraged about it and concentrate on how my clothes fit and how I feel, but sometimes it’s just really hard not to get upset that the numbers aren’t dropping.

    Anyway, I just wanted you to know you’re not alone and keep up the good work! You look fabulous!

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