Blue Friday

Guys, I’m feeling blue today.  And so I have to be very honest and venty and maybe some good will come of it.

For one day in my recent memory, I weighed below 150 pounds.  I was violently ill all night long and weighed in the next morning at 149.8 pounds.  Never again have I seen 14_ on the scale.

Now, let me pause to say that I do not put as much stock in the scale as most dieters.  I actively TRIED to gain muscle earlier this year and felt successful even though the scale went up.  I get that.  But there is a certain point where it’s not good weight gain, and it’s not the result of healthy habits.

This morning, the scale weighed me in at 164.8 pounds, putting me in as up fifteen pounds from my lowest weight.  And I flipped.  I have been feeling awful all day.

A little bit of research reveals that my new asthma medication may have weight gain as a side effect, and my heart just sunk.  It’s like a never-ending cycle of suck: I exercise to stay in shape/lose weight.  Exercise triggers my asthma.  I take asthma medications…which cause me to gain weight again.  I just feel hopeless.

But the thing is, I can’t blame medication.  This is my fault.  I cannot work out for an hour a day six days a week like I did when I was actively losing weight this time last year, and I do not want to restrict myself to the 1300 calories/day anymore.  I just don’t think I can without feeling cranky, and weak, and hating my life.

But I don’t know what to do.  I just feel weary.  I don’t want to track calories.  (I stopped earlier this year, in May.)  I’m tired of having to analyze everything that goes into my mouth.  I can’t work out any longer without fainting from hunger and missing my family because I never see them.  I feel like a failure, because I have never figured out how to just eat correctly for my body without relying on computer programs and scales and heart rate monitors.  Left to my own devices, I would balloon back up to 200 pounds again, and I don’t want to.

And so, my confession: I do not know how to make my body lose weight without becoming a miserable, unhealthy crazy lady.  I lost most of my weight eating 1200 calories a day and working myself out until I got a stress fracture.  I don’t know how to lose weight and keep it off in a happy, sustainable way.  I know I am healthy and strong now, which is something I didn’t have before, but that does not stop last year’s jeans from begging for mercy when I try to zip them up.  I know the theory.  I know how BMR works, and deficits.  But what I don’t know is how to put it into practice, for me, in a way that I can keep up.

Part of what I was wailing about to T this morning was, “I’m such a hypocrite.  I blog about fitness and staying in shape and I’m gaining and gaining and I just can’t stop myself.”   I have a wedding dress that will not fit if this continues.  And I want to learn how to make this my lifestyle.

So, readers, I promise you I will not give up on this.  Bear with me.  I’m still in shape, I just need to tame the bad habits that have cropped up lately.  From now on, for accountability’s sake, I am going to weigh in on the blog every Friday.  Just know that I am human, and I’m doing my best.

Anyway, since I was feeling so bad, I did something that never fails to cheer me up and make me feel better: post an Operation Beautiful note (it’s so pretty because I had a few minutes to kill at the end of the workday and I wanted to play with my fun-colored highlighters):

I’ve been into quotes lately.  I cannot pick artwork out for the life of me, so I decided to decorate my office with words.  I bought these today:

(Photos courtesy of fridgedoor.com)

They’re purty and I hope they get here soon.  They make me happy.

And then I arrived home to find T had bought me a surprise!

I’ve had a hankering for some Scrabble since I’ve seen Leah and her fiance playing it.  I mentioned it to him and he remembered and bought it for me!  So, I know what our fun Friday will include….

Anyway, sorry if this post was a bit of a downer.  We all have bad days and I know I’ll get through this!